Bed of Lies Movement Part I
by aya the ambivalent
Summary: Postgame setting. First part of an indefinite series.


**Bed of Lies**

**Movement - Part One**

_A rainy Saturday morning between evening and dawn_

He's lying down next to me and I can feel his heart beating against my shoulder. I can feel him breathing against my hair. I can feel the warmth of his skin, his arms over mine and my back to his chest.

I feel so weak. My eyes are raw and salty and I want to close them but I can't. I can't sleep.

My mind begins to wander, trying to find peace in the familiarity of the room. I don't want to think anymore. I want to stop.

Outside, it's raining. The room smells like mild vodka. Various items are on the floor. A book, an ashtray, a lamp, an inviting white plastic battle. They must have fallen off earlier. The sheets are blue and calming. The moon is gone now, lost in the clear purple sky. His gray shirt, the one he likes to wear, is on the floor. I forget what day it is but I know I feel cold. And I'm crying.

I draw in a gasp and the air catches in my throat, my shoulders shuddering involuntarily. He holds me and says nothing.

I can't stand it anymore.

I bite my lips and surrender to the loneliness. I can't blink the tears back. I can't stop crying. I can't do anything. My whole chest is aching and I just feel so tired.

I'm so tired.

He's just lying there and I've stopped hoping for him to do anything else. This is the way things are going to be.

I want to tell him that I can't stand him. That my heart swells disproportionately when I see him and I hate what he has done to me. What I've become because of my need for him. I hate him for being who he is. Because who he is… is unattainable. I hate this longing to be near him.

Seifer's not sure but it won't be long until he finds out. And it wouldn't matter.

I feel so empty.

His breathing is slower now, falling into the rhythm if sleep. A few more tears escape me and my eyes begin to close.

When I open them he is gone. I didn't expect to see him. I slowly gather myself and find his shirt at the foot of the bed. I throw it on and his distinct smell clings to my skin.

I pick up the things on the floor, putting the items back save for the bottle. Golden slices of light cut my skin and I draw the curtains close. I avoid my reflection as I wash my face, feeling the hot pricking behind my eyes and I realize that I am crying. My fingers close around the cap.

Everything is pointless.

Everyone wants to know what it is that he contains. What he keeps inside and what not even the lovely winged princess can lure out. What I'm trying to absorb.

I love him, you know. I drown in his presence. I'm reduced to this pathetic existence of looking forward to nights when all he does is break all that I am.

I thought it would leave. I had ignored it, passed it as an admiration for someone exceptional. But it stayed. And it grew and it became painful. Because I can never have him. All I have are these nights.

I feel helpless.

Splotches of purple run along my arm and I wince at the sight of them.

These bruises are his feelings that he can't recognize. These are the reasons why he comes to me. Because I don't pretend to know him. Because I offer him nothing. Because I allow him to be confused. Because I don't demand anything.

I just want to be near him.

But…

But I can't keep this up. I can't. I shouldn't.

Seifer always says I'm tough. And I am. I am strong. Because it takes a great deal of strength to admit that I'm lost. That I made a mistake. That I'm wrong. That I should have listened to the voice that said I wouldn't have enough strength for this.

I know this now and I…

I am on the floor. The plastic bottle slips out of my lifeless fingers.

_--_

_Don't think that I can take another empty moment_

_Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile_

_But it's not enough just to be lonely_

_Don't think that I can take another talk about it_

_Just like me you've got needs and they're only a whisper away _

_We softly surrender to these lives that we've tendered away_


End file.
